Ben and Jerry Sue for Custody of Their Own Ice Cream; Magnum Insists the Kid Is "Thriving" and Has Never Been Happier in the Freezer

Every divorce eventually comes down to who gets the freezer. On Monday, the Wall Street Journal reported that Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, two men whose names are already printed on the lid, are exploring a deal to get the rest of the carton back.

The plan is to carve Ben & Jerry's out of its owner, Magnum Ice Cream, the Unilever spin-off, and place it in an employee stock-ownership plan with help from Pete Stavros, founder of Expanding ESOPs. Rank-and-file workers would get stock. The company would get tax benefits. The founders would get the rare thrill of buying back something they invented, which is the American dream with a second checkout lane.

Magnum responded the way a stepparent responds at school pickup. "Ben & Jerry's is not for sale and, more importantly, is thriving as part of The Magnum Ice Cream Company," it told Reuters in an emailed statement. Nobody has ever described a happy child as "thriving" unless the other parent was standing right there.

Then came the warning label. "Taking Ben & Jerry's out of Magnum would drive significant dis-synergies, investment in the social mission would fall, and selling prices per unit would inflate," Magnum said. Translation: if the pint leaves home, the pint gets pricier, the planet gets less love, and someone in accounting has to finally look up what a dis-synergy is. It is a ransom note written in the language of an earnings call.

Dis-synergy is a beautiful word. It means two things are worse apart, which Magnum is saying about a brand whose founders have spent years trying to get apart from it. That is not synergy. That is a hostage being told he has Stockholm syndrome by the man holding the spoon.

The relationship has history. The founders and board repeatedly clashed with former parent Unilever over political and ethical stances, and Magnum has looked to weaken the brand's independent board, which is now down to two members. Two members is not a board. It is a booth at Denny's. One more resignation and the board meetings become a man talking to a pint.

Cohen told the Journal that all he could do was try to generate more public pressure on Magnum to sell. Never underestimate public pressure from the man who convinced America to eat something called Chunky Monkey. If anyone can turn a corporate carve-out into a flavor, it is him: Half Baked Deal, Rocky Roadblock, Hostile Takeover Fudge Ripple.

Any deal still needs Magnum's approval, which is the corporate equivalent of asking the guy who took your car whether you may please have your car. Magnum has not said yes. Magnum has said "thriving," which in ice cream terms means frozen solid and going nowhere.

The employees, meanwhile, wait behind the counter. They may soon own the company, or they may continue to own the scoop. Either way, Ben and Jerry have learned what every parent in a custody fight learns eventually: you can sell the pint, but you will spend the rest of your life trying to get the freezer back.