Your Horoscope: An SUV Entered a Patio, the Internet Entered Denial, and a Banana Was the Only Adult in Orlando

The stars do not usually take advice from produce. This week they had no choice.

At about 4 a.m. Saturday, an SUV left East Colonial Drive in Orlando and drove through the patio of The Moderne, rearranging six tables and dozens of chairs into what the art world calls an installation and the insurance world calls Monday. The first person to do the responsible thing was dressed as a banana.

Her name is Stephanie Oropeza. She was heading home from a Halloween party with her fiancé, and she called police while still fully peeled into the costume. "I'm actually going to school being a future nurse so it was just instinct," she said. Most people's 4 a.m. instinct is a gas station burrito. Hers was triage.

Owner Michael Nguyen posted the video, and the internet did what it does to every miracle: it asked for a receipt. "They were like, 'Is this AI? Like, are you messing with us?'" he said. "No, no, this is really a rogue 4:30 a.m. banana just roaming the streets of Mills, just saving the day, reporting the incident." No astrologer has ever written a better sentence. We tried. We were demoted to the comics page, which promoted us back out of pity.

The bar said it had an "appealing offer" for her, but she had already "split." The pun count in this story is now higher than the injury count, which is zero, the only number in astrology anyone trusts.

Aries: You will drive on the wrong side of the road this week, emotionally. Pull over before you become a patio.

Taurus: The fence alone will cost $30,000 to $50,000 to fix. Your boundaries are free. Install them anyway, preferably in cement.

Gemini: Two versions of you go viral. One is wearing fruit. That is the good one.

Cancer: You will wake up, search the news, and find the headline "banana hero." Accept the cape. It is yellow and slightly bruised.

Leo: Someone will ask your superhero name. Do not say "Banana Bandit." It is taken, by someone who actually did something.

Virgo: Six tables and dozens of chairs will be destroyed near you. Do not alphabetize the wreckage.

Libra: Balance returns. The bar reopens. The patio does not. Neither does your ex.

Scorpio: Calling for help in a costume is still calling for help. Stop waiting for the right outfit to become a decent person.

Sagittarius: You are in Japan when the city of Orlando calls. You assume it is a scam. It is not. It is furniture.

Capricorn: A free meal is coming. The price is being a banana in public, which economists call fair market value.

Aquarius: Strangers will insist you are AI. Prove them wrong the old-fashioned way: by stopping.

Pisces: The cause of the crash "has not been confirmed." Neither has yours. Keep it that way.

Oropeza called it "the bare minimum you can do to be a decent human being these days." This week, the bare minimum wore a stem. The stars are recalibrating. If you see a rogue 4:30 a.m. banana roaming the streets, do not ask if it is AI. Ask if it needs a ride. It will say no. It has a fiancé, a nursing degree in progress, and better instincts than the entire zodiac.