Daily Horoscope: Kim Jong Un Answers Death Rumors by Inspecting 170,000 Pairs of Shoes, Proving He Still Has a Leg to Stand On

The stars checked the news this morning, and the news was wearing shoes.

Over the weekend, the internet announced that Kim Jong Un had suffered a brain haemorrhage, slipped into a coma, been rushed to Beijing and died. On Tuesday, North Korean state media answered with photographs of him on Monday at the National Garment and Footwear Exhibition-2026 in Pyongyang, examining a small pink shoe. Most people disprove a death rumor with a pulse. Kim used a loafer.

The rumors gained momentum after Wanjun Xie, a US-based Chinese dissident, posted that doctors from Peking Union Medical College Hospital had flown in on October 17 and that 9,000 Chinese troops had entered Pyongyang. He offered no medical records and no identifiable witnesses. Astrologers respect the method. It is ours.

The exhibition, KCNA reported, held more than 70,700 garments of over 30 kinds and more than 170,000 pairs of shoes of over 60 kinds, made by more than 270 production units. That is enough footwear for 170,000 people to walk away from a rumor, though in North Korea walking away is rarely on the menu.

Kim, said KCNA, "went round with satisfaction" and praised the "rapid and substantial" development of light industry. He called it "a clear demonstration of the validity and vitality of the Party's policy." Only in Pyongyang can a sneaker be submitted as evidence for a ten-year plan.

He was joined by his wife, Ri Sol Ju, and his daughter, Ju Ae, who wore a pink skirt suit. Matching your child's outfit to the shoe you are holding is not fashion. It is succession planning with accessories.

Aries: Someone online will declare you dead. Do not argue. Go shopping, and make sure a photographer comes.

Taurus: You will be shown 170,000 pairs of shoes. Pick one, praise it and leave. The rest of us call this a Saturday at the mall. Pyongyang calls it guidance.

Gemini: Two versions of you circulate this week, one in a Beijing hospital and one at a shoe expo. The one holding the shoe wins.

Cancer: Family time is favored. Bring the spouse, bring the daughter, bring a camera. In some households a family outing is also a press release.

Leo: You will say that local products are "standing proudly shoulder-to-shoulder" with central ones. Nobody will ask you where a shoe keeps its shoulders.

Virgo: Details matter. KCNA counted every garment to the nearest hundred. You still cannot find the other sock.

Libra: Kim called for "simultaneous and balanced development of the whole country." Start smaller. Try both feet.

Scorpio: A stranger claims 9,000 troops are marching on your capital. Check whether they brought shoes. If not, ignore him.

Sagittarius: Travel is in your chart, but rumors travel faster, and they never need a visa.

Capricorn: Design comes first. Kim wants design festivals and exhibitions "in various forms and methods." Your next performance review is a runway.

Aquarius: KCNA says the country should develop "peculiar national costumes of Korean style." Peculiar is doing a lot of work in that sentence. So are you.

Pisces: Sibling energy is strong. Kim Yo Jong spent the weekend warning South Korea about loudspeakers and tactical weapons. Some sisters fight over the TV remote. Others fight over the border.

Lucky number: 170,000. Lucky color: pink, size small. And if the internet says you are dead, do what the stars and the Supreme Leader recommend: put on your shoes and walk into the photo.