Windsor Suspect Swims the Thames, Steals a Bike, Then Loses His Triathlon to a Police Dog Towing a Cop on That Same Bike

England has given the world Shakespeare, the steam engine and the orderly queue. This week it gave us the first triathlon in which the gold medal went to a police dog and the silver medal came with handcuffs.

Officers from the Windsor Central Neighbourhood Policing Team named it the "Great Windsor Triathlon," which is generous, because most triathletes enter voluntarily and very few of them are on bail.

The competitor was Alan Styles, 51, of Eton Wick, whose training began when he was arrested for bike theft and shoplifting and found hiding in his wardrobe. The wardrobe is the warm-up lap of British crime. It has never worked once, and Narnia does not do extradition.

He was bailed with conditions and wanted for three alleged breaches less than 24 hours later. Most of us keep a New Year's resolution about that long, but with fewer magistrates.

After an hour of searching, officers spotted him. He left on a stolen bicycle, because when you are already known for stealing bicycles, consistency is a brand.

Leg one ended when PCSO Davidson recovered the abandoned bike so it couldn't be used again. It is the first bicycle in Berkshire history to be taken into protective custody.

Leg two: Styles swam across the River Thames. The Thames has swallowed Viking longships, Roman coins and three centuries of sewage, and it took one look at a man on bail and politely handed him to the other bank.

The PCSO then flagged down a boat. Not a helicopter. Not a speedboat unit. Just a stranger, asked nicely. That is the most British pursuit tactic ever recorded, and somewhere a Bond film quietly gave up.

Leg three is where the sport changed forever. Police Dog Chief joined in, and his handler borrowed the suspect's abandoned bicycle and let Chief tow him. "I was pulled along husky and sledge style, which needless to say required no pedalling from me," the handler said, in the most satisfied sentence ever entered into a police record.

Consider the economics. The suspect stole a bike to escape. Police confiscated the bike. Police then used the bike to catch the suspect. That is not a chase. That is a refund.

Chief did all the real work, hauling a grown officer through a royal town on stolen property with no helmet, no Strava and no complaints. He is paid in biscuits. His passenger is paid in salary. Somewhere a union rep is lying down in a dark room.

Styles was caught and remanded. On October 19 he was sentenced to an 18-month community order, which is roughly how long Chief intends to stay smug.

Police released the footage, saying it was "slightly ridiculous" but that they had not exaggerated. That is the highest boast available to a British constable: we were absurd, but accurately.

Their official summary: "Neighbourhood policing. Apparently now by land, water and dog-powered bicycle."

As for Styles, the lesson is simple. Swimming didn't work. Cycling didn't work. In hindsight, the wardrobe was his best event. Chief has reportedly asked to inspect it.