Deputy Disguises Himself as a Giant Traffic Cone, Learns 67 Californians Have Never Once Stopped for a Traffic Cone

Undercover police work used to mean a fake mustache and a rented sedan. In Stanislaus County, California, it now means a deputy dressed as a giant orange traffic cone, standing in a crosswalk, waiting to be noticed by people who have been ignoring cones professionally since the day they got their license.

The plan was simple, which is how you know it came from the government and still worked. The cone entered a marked crosswalk in Riverbank and Patterson when oncoming drivers had plenty of time to stop. Drivers who did not stop met motorcycle deputies a few seconds later, which is the fastest customer service any Californian has received since 1994.

Over two days, one in each city, deputies wrote 67 pedestrian-related citations and made two DUI arrests. That is 67 people who looked at a giant orange cone wearing shoes and thought, "He'll move." Cones do not move. That is the entire career of a cone.

Video released by the Sheriff's Office shows some drivers stopping and others not even slowing down, like the cone was a rumor. In one clip, a motor deputy asks a driver the question that will now haunt him at every family dinner: "You didn't see my partner in the big orange cone in the middle of the crosswalk?"

The driver said he saw it but could not stop in time. This is the traffic equivalent of "I saw the iceberg, I just didn't think it was personal." The deputy replied, "You had plenty of opportunity to stop and slow down, partner," which is the politest way a man has ever been told he lost an argument to a costume.

Consider the cone's point of view. Every day, millions of its relatives stand on American highways, orange, reflective and silent, and get run over, kicked, stolen by college students and worn as hats. Finally, one of them got a badge. Revenge was never going to come from the cones. It had to come from inside the cone.

The two DUI arrests are the real headline. Somewhere in Stanislaus County, two people will explain to a lawyer that they were pulled over after failing to notice a traffic cone with legs, a face and a pension plan. The lawyer will ask for more money. He should.

The operation was funded by a grant from the California Office of Traffic Safety, through the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Taxpayers should be pleased. Most government money disappears quietly. This money put on a costume and went outside.

The Sheriff's Office closed with a plea: "We remind all drivers to remain alert, yield to pedestrians, obey posted speed limits, and never drive under the influence." Sensible advice. Shorter version: when the crosswalk has a cone in it, stop. The cone is not decor. The cone has friends with motorcycles.

The timing is pointed. Halloween is days away, when every child becomes a pumpkin, a ghost or a cone of their own. Drivers have been warned. That small orange figure in the crosswalk might be a trick-or-treater. It might also be a deputy with a ticket book.

Next year, the department may try a deer costume. Drivers will brake for that instantly, which tells you everything about who California actually respects on the road. Pedestrians, take notes: if you want to cross safely, do not wear reflective clothing. Wear antlers.